Recognizing Stockholm Syndrome in Toxic Relationships

Recognizing Stockholm Syndrome in Toxic Relationships

Why This Matters: Unmasking Emotional Captivity

You might have seen it in movies—a person held hostage starts to empathize with their captor. But in real life, this happens in homes, bedrooms, and marriages, not just in bank robberies or war zones. The term Stockholm Syndrome might sound clinical, but its emotional impact is deeply personal. It hides behind closed doors, often mistaken for love, loyalty, or simply “adjusting” in a relationship.

In many toxic relationships, the victim doesn’t even realize they’re being emotionally held hostage. What makes this dynamic even more complicated is the illusion of choice. You're not physically tied up. You could walk away—but something invisible keeps you stuck. That invisible thing is psychological captivity, and it’s more common than most people think.

What makes Stockholm Syndrome different in romantic or family relationships is that the abuser often plays dual roles—both the one who hurts and the one who “heals.” They shout, control, or belittle you, and then bring you flowers or apologize with tears. This cycle repeats, and slowly, your brain begins to associate survival, comfort, and even safety with the very person who causes you harm.

In South Asian households, the situation gets even more complex. Cultural values like family honor, the pressure to “save the marriage,” or the constant reminder that “every relationship has ups and downs” makes it easy for emotional abuse to go unnoticed—or worse, accepted.

Many survivors say things like:
“I stayed because I believed I could change them.”
“I thought their anger meant they cared.”
“They were only like this when stressed. Otherwise, they were loving.”

Statements like these are not signs of weakness—they’re signs of psychological conditioning. Your mind adapts to survive, even if it means forming a bond with someone who’s causing pain.

Understanding this isn't about blaming the victim. It's about shining a light on how trauma can disguise itself as love. And that’s why this conversation matters. If even one person begins to question a relationship that constantly hurts and heals in cycles, then we’ve taken the first step toward emotional freedom.

Signs You May Be Experiencing Stockholm Syndrome in a Relationship

Not every toxic relationship leads to Stockholm Syndrome, but the overlap is often closer than people think. The syndrome develops when fear, dependency, and intermittent kindness confuse the brain. You may not even recognize the dynamic until someone else points it out—or until it breaks you completely.

So how can you tell if you might be experiencing it? Here are key emotional and behavioral signs that can point toward Stockholm Syndrome within romantic or family settings:

You Defend or Justify Their Hurtful Behavior

When your partner yells, insults, or isolates you from friends, you make excuses for them. “He had a rough day,” or “She didn’t mean it like that.” Over time, your loyalty to them becomes more important than your own peace.

You Fear Being Without Them More Than the Abuse Itself

The thought of breaking up, getting divorced, or living alone feels scarier than enduring daily emotional pain. This fear is not weakness—it's survival instinct clouded by psychological conditioning.

You Feel Grateful for Small Acts of Kindness

Even after days of verbal abuse or emotional neglect, a simple apology or a kind gesture makes you feel special. You begin to hang on to those rare moments like lifelines, convincing yourself that “this is who they really are.”

You Cut Ties with People Who Question the Relationship

If your friends or family express concern, you either defend your partner or distance yourself from them. Social Isolation isn’t always forced—it can be chosen when you’re afraid someone might shatter the illusion you’ve built.

You Believe You’re the Problem

You might think, “Maybe I push them too much,” or “If I were better, they wouldn’t be this way.” This self-blame is a classic marker of Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim internalizes the abuser’s narrative.

You Avoid Talking About the Relationship Honestly

When asked how things are going, you smile and say, “We’re fine,” even when you’re breaking inside. This denial isn’t lying—it’s self-preservation.

You’ve Lost a Clear Sense of Self

Your goals, hobbies, and identity slowly dissolve as the relationship consumes your time and emotional bandwidth. You might not even remember what brought you joy before the relationship began.

These signs don’t mean you’re foolish or weak. They mean you’ve adapted to survive a relationship that demands emotional submission. Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t start overnight. It builds over time through repeated cycles of fear, affection, and dependency.

The good news? Awareness is the first step to breaking free.

How Toxic Relationships Create Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm Syndrome doesn’t appear out of thin air. It builds through a slow and calculated process where the relationship becomes both a source of pain and comfort. It’s like being stuck in a loop—every time you think about walking away, the other person does something kind, pulling you back in. And so, the cycle continues.

Toxic relationships work in patterns. At first, everything seems perfect. There’s charm, attention, and validation. This is often called the love-bombing phase. You feel seen and special—like no one else ever made you feel. But then, slowly, things change. The compliments become criticisms. The time together becomes controlled. You walk on eggshells to avoid “setting them off.” When conflict arises, it’s no longer about solving problems; it’s about power and control.

Here’s what typically happens next:

• After hurting you emotionally (or even physically), the abuser shows remorse.

• They apologize, maybe with gifts or gestures.

• You forgive, because you remember how loving they can be.

• This forgiveness reinforces the idea that they’re still “good,” and worth saving.

What’s dangerous is how your brain responds. When someone shifts between threat and kindness, it creates intense emotional confusion. Your body releases stress hormones like cortisol during the painful moments, and dopamine or oxytocin during the good ones. This chemical rollercoaster traps you in the belief that staying is safer or even rewarding.

This pattern isn’t just psychological—it’s biological. That’s what makes it so powerful.

Often, by the time a person realizes they are in a toxic relationship, they’re already caught in this loop. They may recognize the red flags, but the fear of being alone, or losing the person they once loved, feels worse than enduring the pain.

The relationship becomes a form of captivity—one with invisible chains made of fear, hope, and guilt. And in many cases, the person you’re scared of is also the one you believe you can’t live without.

Cultural and Gendered Layers: Why It’s Harder to Spot in South Asian Contexts

In many Indian families, especially traditional ones, emotional abuse isn't just tolerated—it’s normalized. From childhood, people are often told to “adjust,” to stay quiet, and to prioritize family reputation over personal well-being. This cultural conditioning plays a massive role in why Stockholm Syndrome goes undetected in relationships.

For women, the expectations can be even more suffocating. A daughter is taught to be accommodating. A wife is praised for her patience. “Shaadi nibhana padti hai” is a phrase many Indian women grow up hearing. It roughly means, “Marriage must be maintained at all costs.” But what if that cost is your mental health?

In such households, emotional abuse rarely looks like shouting or slapping. It may be constant criticism. It may be being ignored. It may be your partner controlling how you dress, who you talk to, or where you go—yet still saying, “I love you” afterward. This mix of control and care is what makes Stockholm Syndrome thrive.

For men, the situation is different but equally silencing. Men who experience emotional abuse may feel ashamed or emasculated. Society expects them to be strong, unemotional, and in control. So, when they are manipulated, gaslighted, or isolated by a partner, they often stay quiet out of fear of ridicule or disbelief.

Moreover, Indian films and media don’t help. From old Bollywood to new-age OTT dramas, obsessive behavior is often shown as a sign of deep love. Characters who stalk, manipulate, or emotionally blackmail their partners are romanticized. This blurs the line between affection and abuse, especially for younger audiences.

Parents and elders may also unknowingly reinforce these toxic dynamics. Instead of asking, “Are you happy?” they ask, “Why can’t you just compromise?” Emotional neglect becomes “just a phase.” Control becomes “concern.” And slowly, the person being abused begins to question their own reality.

This environment makes it extremely difficult for survivors to even label their experience as abuse. They don’t leave because they don’t think they’re allowed to. They don’t speak up because they believe suffering is part of love.

And this belief—that love must hurt—is the breeding ground for Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm Syndrome vs. Trauma Bonding: What’s the Difference?

Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonding are often used interchangeably—but they’re not quite the same. Both involve unhealthy emotional attachments to someone who causes harm. But the conditions in which they form, and how they affect you, are slightly different.

Stockholm Syndrome is a term originally used to describe hostages who developed sympathy or loyalty toward their captors. Over time, the concept expanded beyond hostage situations to include romantic or familial relationships where the abused person emotionally connects with their abuser as a coping strategy. It typically occurs in situations where a person feels:

• Threatened or trapped

• Dependent on the abuser for basic emotional or physical needs

• Isolated from other sources of support

In contrast, trauma bonding is rooted in repeated cycles of abuse followed by reconciliation. This could look like an ongoing romantic relationship, a parent-child dynamic, or even a friendship. The victim begins to rely on brief moments of kindness and attention after episodes of harm, developing a powerful emotional dependency.

Here’s a simple way to separate them:

Many people experience a blend of both, especially in abusive romantic relationships. You may start out in a trauma bond and develop Stockholm-like attachment as the cycle deepens. What matters most is understanding that these are trauma responses, not “stupidity,” “weakness,” or “overreaction.”

Recognizing these patterns allows people to stop blaming themselves and start seeking support. The confusion between love, survival, and fear isn’t your fault—it’s your brain trying to protect you.

Next, let’s look at some real-life inspired case examples that help bring these complex dynamics to life.

Real-Life Signs to Watch: Case-Based Examples

Sometimes, the most powerful way to understand psychological abuse is through lived experiences. The following case-based examples are composites inspired by real survivor narratives, therapist sessions, and trauma recovery groups. Names and details have been changed to protect identities—but the emotional truth remains intact.

Case 1: “He Only Gets Angry Because He Loves Me” – Riya, 27

Riya met Aditya in college. He was protective, charming, and intense. Within months, he started showing signs of jealousy—checking her phone, getting angry when she met friends, accusing her of flirting. After every outburst, he cried, begged for forgiveness, and said he only reacted that way because he couldn’t bear to lose her.

Over time, Riya started withdrawing from her friends. She stopped sharing her experiences with her parents. “They won’t understand,” she told herself.

One day, after a particularly harsh fight, she planned to leave. But when he showed up with roses and tear-filled eyes, promising therapy and change, her resolve crumbled.

"I stayed because I thought his anger meant he cared. I thought I could help him heal,” she says.

Case 2: “I Thought I Deserved It” – Armaan, 34

Armaan was in a long-term relationship where he was constantly belittled. His partner mocked his career, called him “too sensitive,” and dismissed his feelings during every argument. When he tried to express hurt, she accused him of overreacting and made him feel guilty.

Despite this, Armaan found himself craving her approval. When she complimented him—even once a month—it felt like a reward. That little praise became his emotional fuel.

“I started believing I wasn’t good enough for anyone else,” he recalls. “When she left for two weeks, I panicked. Not because I missed her—but because I didn’t know who I was without her.”

Case 3: “I Pushed Everyone Away for Her” – Meghna, 31

Meghna’s friends noticed her pulling away after she started dating someone new. At first, she claimed they were “just really into each other.” But soon, she was skipping family events, turning off her phone when they fought, and covering up for bruises with makeup.

She began to lash out at friends who asked questions. “Why are you trying to ruin my relationship?” she’d say.

Now in therapy, Meghna recognizes what happened. “It wasn’t love. It was survival. I was scared to leave. Scared to stay. So, I made myself believe everything was okay.”

These stories are deeply human—and tragically common. They reflect not only the patterns of Stockholm Syndrome but also the confusion, self-blame, and emotional exhaustion that survivors carry.

When reading these, you might see yourself—or someone you know. That recognition is not meant to scare you. It’s meant to awaken something powerful: awareness.

Why Victims Stay: The Psychology Behind Emotional Captivity

One of the most misunderstood questions in toxic relationships is:
“If it’s so bad, why don’t they just leave?”

From the outside, it seems like a clear decision. But emotional captivity doesn’t follow logic—it follows survival instinct. When you're inside the relationship, fear, guilt, and confusion replace reason.

Victims of Stockholm Syndrome or trauma bonding are not just staying because of love. They stay because they’re emotionally trapped. They’ve been convinced—sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly—that leaving would destroy them. This belief isn’t delusion; it’s the result of consistent emotional manipulation over time.

Here are the psychological barriers that often keep people stuck:

Fear of Being Alone or Abandoned

Over time, abusers erode the victim’s self-worth. They say things like:

• “No one else will love you.”

• “You’ll never survive without me.”

• “Everyone leaves you, I’m the only one who stays.”

After hearing this repeatedly, the victim starts believing it. The idea of being alone becomes scarier than the abuse itself.

Hope That Love Will Fix It

Many people in toxic relationships cling to the memory of how things started. The good times—the love-bombing phase—gives them hope that the abuser can change. They may think, “If I love them enough, they’ll go back to who they were.”

This hope isn’t naïve. It’s a trauma response—your brain holding on to the last sign of safety.

Learned Helplessness

This is a condition where a person believes they can’t escape, even if an exit is available. It develops after repeated failures or punishments when trying to set boundaries or leave. Eventually, they stop trying altogether.

Guilt and Shame

Abusers often make victims feel responsible for the abuse:

• “You made me angry.”

• “If you weren’t so difficult, this wouldn’t happen.”

• “Look what you made me do.”

When guilt takes over, the victim may stay just to “make things right.” Shame adds another layer—they may feel too embarrassed to tell others what’s really going on.

Cultural, Financial, or Familial Pressure

Especially in India, victims may be told to keep the family together at all costs. They may fear social judgment, worry about children, or feel financially trapped. In arranged or dependent marriages, women often lack economic freedom, making escape feel impossible.

It’s important to understand: They’re not staying because they want to. They’re staying because they’ve been conditioned to believe they must.

But healing is possible—and the first step is awareness. The next step is action.

How to Break Free: Practical, Therapist-Recommended Steps

Breaking free from emotional captivity is not about waking up one day and walking out. It’s a slow, courageous, and often painful journey. But every step forward is a victory.

Here’s what trauma therapists and survivors agree on: Freedom begins inside the mind, not outside the door. You don’t have to confront your abuser immediately or make a dramatic exit. You can begin quietly, safely, and in your own time.

Start with Recognition and Reflection

Take time to write down what’s happening. Journaling is not just for tracking feelings—it helps you see patterns. If you often excuse bad behavior or feel drained after interactions, that’s a red flag.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe expressing myself in this relationship?

• Am I constantly adjusting who I am to avoid conflict?

• Do I feel seen, respected, and emotionally cared for?

Sometimes, simply naming the abuse is the first step to breaking its power.

Build a Support System Quietly

Reconnecting with trusted friends or family—even one person—can change everything. You don’t have to tell them everything at once. Just let someone know you’ve been feeling overwhelmed or trapped.

If you’ve cut people off due to the relationship, it’s okay to say, “I miss you. I’d love to reconnect.”

You’re allowed to ask for support—even if you’ve pushed people away before.

Learn About Emotional Abuse and Trauma Responses

Understanding trauma psychology can be empowering. When you realize that your responses are valid, and that survival instincts like bonding with an abuser are normal, you stop blaming yourself.

Some survivors find strength through books, podcasts, or anonymous forums. Others begin with online therapy platforms that allow privacy and gradual healing.

Develop a Safety Plan 

If the relationship is physically dangerous, work on an exit strategy. This might include:

• Saving emergency money

• Creating a list of safe contacts

• Preparing copies of important documents

You don’t have to act immediately—but being prepared helps reduce fear.

Rebuild Identity Through Small Acts

Take back your life one piece at a time. Return to hobbies. Wear what you love. Speak your mind—safely. Each small choice is a step toward freedom.

Consider Therapy When You’re Ready

Therapists who specialize in trauma, emotional abuse, or domestic violence can offer life-changing insights. Therapy is not just for healing—it’s for reclaiming your voice, your power, and your future.

If you can't access therapy immediately, consider journaling, group support, or trauma-informed self-help practices.

What Healing Actually Looks Like After Emotional Captivity

Leaving a toxic relationship is often praised as a moment of triumph—but what follows is rarely discussed enough. Healing doesn’t happen the moment you walk away. In fact, for many survivors, the hardest part starts after the escape.

When you’ve spent months—or even years—adapting to emotional manipulation, your body and mind need time to detox. You might expect immediate relief, but instead you feel:

• Confused

• Lonely

• Guilty

• Even… nostalgic

These feelings are not signs of weakness. They’re proof that your nervous system is trying to relearn what safety, trust, and calm feel like. You're no longer surviving; now, you’re learning how to live again.

Grieving the Illusion, Not Just the Relationship

One of the most painful parts of recovery is letting go of who you thought the person was. Many survivors aren’t mourning the abusive behavior—they’re mourning the version of the abuser they fell in love with.

That version may have only appeared in short moments—during apologies, gifts, or in the beginning. But it was real to you, and now it’s gone. Healing means accepting that what you hoped for was never sustainable.

This emotional grief is complex and valid. Give yourself permission to feel it.

Reclaiming Identity: Who Were You Before the Control?

Healing involves rediscovering your own likes, dislikes, values, and boundaries. In emotionally abusive relationships, victims often lose touch with their own voice.

Now’s the time to ask:

• What brings me peace?

• What kind of people do I want in my life?

• What does love mean to me now?

These are not easy questions, and they don’t need immediate answers. Healing is like peeling layers of an onion. Each stage reveals something deeper.

Learning to Trust Again

After emotional captivity, you may find yourself doubting everyone—even those with good intentions. That’s normal. You’ve learned to be hyper-aware, cautious, and emotionally guarded.

Instead of forcing trust, practice self-trust first. When you honor your feelings, listen to your instincts, and set healthy limits, your sense of safety will slowly return.

Relationships in the future should be built slowly—with open communication and mutual respect. If something feels off, listen to that voice. You ignored it once. Now it’s your strength.

Therapy Helps, But So Does Self-Compassion

Therapy can help survivors rebuild their worldview. Therapists can gently guide you through unlearning trauma responses like people-pleasing, over-apologizing, or emotional shutdown.

But beyond therapy, the real game-changer is self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would to a best friend. You don’t need to have everything figured out. You just need to keep showing up for yourself—even on bad days.

How to Help a Loved One Who May Be Experiencing Stockholm Syndrome

Watching someone you love stay in a toxic relationship is one of the most heartbreaking things you can go through. You see their pain. You hear their excuses. You want to scream, “Just leave!”

But that urgency can push them further away—not because they don’t hear you, but because they don’t yet feel safe enough to believe they deserve better.

Here’s how you can offer real support:

Don’t Blame or Shame Them

Avoid saying things like:

• “You’re smarter than this.”

• “I would never tolerate that.”

• “Why don’t you just leave?”

These phrases, though well-meaning, can feel like attacks. Survivors already struggle with shame and guilt. Your judgment may unintentionally echo the voice of the abuser.

Instead, say:

• “I’m here whenever you need me.”

• “You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

• “I believe you.”

Be Consistently Present

Abusers isolate their victims. Over time, the survivor may cut off friends or avoid family. When you stay present—without pressure—you create a safe emotional exit door.

Even if they cancel meetups, ignore messages, or defend the abuser—don’t give up. Your steady presence is more powerful than you realize.

Offer Resources, Not Ultimatums

You can gently share information—articles, helpline numbers, or therapy options—but avoid forcing them to act. Instead, say, “I found this. It helped me understand better. Thought I’d share.”

Give them the dignity of choice. Autonomy is something they’ve lost in the relationship. Offering support without control helps rebuild it.

Celebrate Small Acts of Clarity

If they mention something the abuser did and say, “It felt wrong,” that’s a breakthrough. Acknowledge it.

Say something like:

• “That sounds really hard. I’m proud of you for noticing it.”

• “It’s okay to question things. That means you’re healing.”

Every moment of clarity is a seed. With time and safety, it will grow.

Encourage Therapy, But Gently

Many survivors fear therapy because it might confirm what they’re afraid to admit. Let them know therapy is a space to explore—not just to diagnose.

If they seem interested, offer to help them find options. But never force it. Healing begins with choice, not coercion.

Resources for Victims and Survivors (India and Global)

No one should face emotional abuse or psychological captivity alone. Whether you’re still in the relationship or have taken your first steps out, know this: help is available, and you deserve to access it.

Below are selected mental health and support resources for both Indian and global audiences. These have been curated to help survivors of emotional abuse, trauma bonding, and Stockholm Syndrome take the next step in their healing journey.

Helplines in India

• iCall by TISS: Anonymous and free counselling over phone and email. Available in multiple Indian languages.

• Snehi: Focused on emotional and mental health support, especially for youth and women.

• One Stop Centres (Ministry of Women & Child Development): Legal aid, medical assistance, and counselling for women facing abuse.

Online Therapy Platforms (India & Global)

• Note: Avoiding brand names per Click2Pro’s guidelines, but encouraging exploring therapy directories and professional mental health platforms.

• Look for platforms offering therapists specializing in trauma, domestic abuse, or emotional manipulation.

• Consider those who provide tele-counselling in Indian regional languages if needed.

Books and Reading Recommendations

• Books written by survivors and trauma-informed psychologists often help victims realize they're not alone.

• Reading can validate feelings and provide language for experiences that felt "unspeakable."

Safe Community Forums

• Online survivor communities can be healing spaces.

• Listening to others' stories reminds you that what happened to you is real, not your fault, and something you can recover from.

Conclusion: Choosing Yourself Is the First Step Toward Freedom

You are not broken. You are not too sensitive. You are not overreacting.

You were conditioned to believe love meant pain, silence meant safety, and survival meant staying. But now, you’re beginning to question that story—and that’s the beginning of everything.

Recognizing Stockholm Syndrome in a relationship doesn’t make you weak—it makes you awake. It means your heart is brave enough to see the truth, and your mind is strong enough to face it.

Whether you’re still in the relationship, on the verge of leaving, or healing after walking away, this truth remains:
You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt. A relationship that doesn’t shrink you. A life where peace isn’t a reward—it’s the baseline.

It won’t be easy. But it will be worth it.

You’ve already taken the first step. Keep going.

FAQs

1. How do I know if I have Stockholm Syndrome in a relationship?

If you feel emotionally loyal to someone who hurts or manipulates you, constantly defends their behavior, and fear leaving more than staying, you may be experiencing Stockholm Syndrome. It often feels like love—but is rooted in fear, guilt, and survival instincts.

2. Can Stockholm Syndrome happen in romantic relationships?

Yes. Stockholm Syndrome is not limited to kidnappings or hostage situations. It often occurs in toxic romantic relationships, especially where there’s a power imbalance, emotional dependency, and repeated cycles of harm followed by affection.

3. What is the difference between trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome?

Trauma bonding develops through repeated cycles of abuse and reconciliation over time. Stockholm Syndrome usually forms more suddenly in situations of intense fear, followed by brief kindness. Both lead to emotional dependency but have different psychological roots.

4. Why do people stay in emotionally abusive relationships?

They stay because they feel emotionally trapped, not because they want to. Factors include fear of loneliness, financial dependence, guilt, shame, cultural pressure, and hope that the abuser will change. It’s not weakness—it’s survival mode.

5. Can Stockholm Syndrome be treated?

Yes. It’s not a permanent condition. With trauma-informed therapy, supportive relationships, and self-work, individuals can heal, rebuild their identity, and learn to trust themselves again. The process takes time, but recovery is absolutely possible.

6. How can I help someone who has Stockholm Syndrome?

Support them without judgment. Avoid telling them to "just leave." Stay present, validate their feelings, offer helpful resources, and encourage therapy when they’re ready. The key is creating emotional safety—not pressure.

7. Is Stockholm Syndrome a mental illness?

No. It’s not officially recognized as a standalone mental disorder. It’s a trauma response—often seen in people who’ve been subjected to long-term emotional or psychological abuse. It can coexist with anxiety, PTSD, or depression.

About the Author

Dhanasree is a compassionate and experienced psychologist at Click2Pro, dedicated to empowering individuals on their journey toward mental wellness and emotional resilience. With over 8 years of experience in supportive therapy, she specializes in crafting personalized strategies to help clients navigate stress, anxiety, and emotional challenges.

Her empathetic approach fosters a nurturing environment where clients feel safe and understood, facilitating self-discovery and growth. Dhanasree firmly believes in the power of emotional guidance and active listening to drive positive change. At Click2Pro, she collaborates with a multidisciplinary team to provide holistic mental health solutions tailored to each individual's unique needs.
Whether you're seeking support for stress management, relationship counselling, or emotional regulation, Dhanasree's expertise ensures transformative outcomes. Her commitment to fostering emotional well-being has made her a trusted professional for individuals seeking support in their mental health journey.